The Seven not-so spiritual laws for the new cook

I am an unapologetic foodie. Though I can no longer wolf down a 7 course meal and follow it up with 7 Mysore Paks and then ask what’s for dinner, there are days where I can still resuscitate my teenage self and come close. Of course I have preferences. I have a weakness for South Indian food and I'm subconsciously always afraid that all Italian food will be bland and tasteless, even though I have been proved wrong time and again. At the end of every extravagant buffet, I dutifully round it up with a serving of curd rice.

For the most part, I ate food. I sat back and waited for it to arrive. Be it at home or elsewhere. The arms and legs of my culinary skills extended to making a really delectable plate of omelette (with onion and green chilli) and Top Ramen Smoodles (with capsicum and carrot), and a drinkable cup of filter coffee (there was never any instant coffee powder in the house to fall back upon).

Bred on my grandmother's impeccable and irreplaceable culinary magic that stretched over 60 years spent in the kitchen, learning and perfecting her craft like Picasso crafting his paintings, my taste buds were enveloped in dishes that were near flawless. This luxury also lent to another flaw that would come back to bite me -  a sharp tongue when it came to passing judgement on food.

Whoever said that it is easy to have an opinion than to actually do something was right. Like Shobha De who ridiculed the athletes in Rio without even remotely understanding what it took for them to fight the system and get to where they were, critiquing someone else’s cooking falls in the same bracket.

Then lightning struck in the form of marriage.

Appalled at my illiteracy when it came to anything to do with cooking up a meal to save Masterchef self, she immediately put me to work in the kitchen. In a bid to prove that I was no deer in the headlights when it came to culinary expertise, I set forth to prove all of my detractors wrong.

Since that fateful day, the following things have occurred:

I didn’t know you had to put water in the cooker and kept the flame on high, waiting for the whistle. If I had waited a few minutes more, the house would have blown up and you could have seen the flames from Chandrayaan.

I didn’t realise that bhindi needed to be fried well. I fried it for five minutes and it made a bit of crunching sound, which needless to say, isn’t pleasing to the ear, or your taste buds.

I hated math with a vengeance and this has caught up with me when it came to understanding measurements. In my first (and last till date) attempt at baking, I randomly added sugar and flour. Much to my surprise, a pleasant aroma wafted through the house and I kicked myself on my beginner’s luck. When I finally opened the oven, what was supposed to be Apple cake, wasn’t. Neither was it a pudding. It was like a mystery being from space.

The first dish I ever made was Dum aloo. Like the player who scores a century on debut and believes that all challenges have been overcome and that there is no other peak to scale, the dum aloo actually turned out half-decent, giving me a completely false sense of confidence.

All the near mishaps and misadventures followed soon after.

For the uninitiated, here’s a quick cheat sheet to navigate your way through the labyrinth. I call it the seven not so spiritual laws for the new cook:

First law - Learn your spices. More importantly, learn how they look 

When I saw jeera, I spent 15 minutes searching for the dabba before finding it and then comparing google images of jeera to the actual thing.

Second law - Keep all the spices ready 

When you're halfway through preparing a dish, that isn't the time to figure out that there is no bay leaf, or clove, or amchur.

Third law - Don't refer to a firangi recipe 

What the fuck is fenugreek? Or fennel?  Firang recipes all have names you don't know for stuff you know by the Indian name. If you just type India after the dish name, the odds of you getting a decipherable recipe are greater.

Fourth law – Recipes aren’t cast in stone

Sure you can’t make dum alu without alu. Or paneer butter masala without paneer. But you can cook up something edible with tomato, onion and a few spices. Recipes are meant to be elaborate. That doesn’t mean you begin cooking only when you have your fridge stocked.

Fifth law – Learn to troubleshoot  

When you add 5 red chillies to a bowl of chutney, you also need to know how to douse the fire.

Sixth law – Comfort food should be easy to make

Comfort food isn’t just what makes you feel comfortable. It’s what you can dish out in 10 minutes when your house is suddenly hijacked by unwanted guests. It shouldn’t take half an hour to decipher and then 1 hour to prepare.

Seventh law - Learn to take criticism (or the law of karma)

All your life you sat smugly, giving feedback and passing comments without any thought. Back at ya! People saying hmmmm or not coming back for seconds can be some of the most disheartening moments in life. Shrug it off and get your sorry weeping self-back in the kitchen.

Eighth law (bonus) – All food delivery apps are for damage control

Self-explanatory.

Bon appetit!